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Choose the right time.
Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to
a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you
have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because
you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the
issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request
deserves high priority.
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Choose the right place.
Discuss important issues in a private, neutral
location.
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Be
direct.
For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work
overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not
Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your
directness.
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Say
“I,” not “we.”
Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,”
say, “I would like you to finish the project by
Tuesday.”
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Be
specific.
Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,”
say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished
and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”
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Use
body language to emphasize your words.
“Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an
assertive statement. But if you mumble this
statement while staring at the floor, you undermine
your message.
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Confirm your request.
Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end
of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the
specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes
miscommunication.
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Stand up for yourself.
Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist
on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I
was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,”
“Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please
turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done,
but I asked for medium rare.”
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Learn to be friendly
with people you would like to know better. Do not
avoid people because you don’t know what to say.
Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see
them.
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Express your opinions honestly.
When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to
agree. When you are asked to do something
unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
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Share your experiences and opinions.
When you have done something worthwhile, let others
know about it.
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Learn to accept kind words.
When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”
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Maintain
eye contact
when you are in a conversation.
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Don’t get personal.
When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on
the person’s behavior rather than attacking
the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me
that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”
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Use
“I” statements
when commenting on another’s behavior. For example:
“When you cancel social arrangements at the last
minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel
really annoyed.”
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State what you want.
If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (“I think
we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we
can make plans together and cut down on this kind of
problem.”)
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Look for good examples.
Pay attention to assertive people and model your
behavior after theirs.
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Start slowly.
Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations
at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional
situation until you have more confidence. Most
people don’t learn new skills overnight.
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Reward yourself
each time you push yourself to formulate an
assertive response. Do this regardless of the
response from the other person.
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Don’t put yourself down
when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead,
identify where you went off course and learn how to
improve.
