You Can Have Excellent Listening Skills
By Nancy Baker-Brown, MS, LPC, BCETS
Any
professional counselor will tell you that one of the
biggest problems they see among their clients is poor
listening skills. People get into trouble in their
relationships because they have not developed their
ability to listen and communicate.
Barriers
to Effective Communication
There are
some good reasons why many people are
less-than-effective communicators. These are the most
common reasons:
-
Lack
of skill; not knowing how
-
Not
taking the time to think through what one wants to
say
-
Not
taking the time to anticipate what another person
might be thinking and feeling
-
Fear
of revealing too much of oneself
-
Being
afraid of another person’s anger
-
Not
wanting to hurt another person’s feelings
Four Key
Listening Skills
Listening
skills are the building blocks of effective
communication. These skills enable you to demonstrate
that you are interested in what the other person has to
say, as well as hearing and understanding the other
person. Four key listening skills are open-ended
questions, summary statements, reflective statements,
and neutral questions and phrases. They are easy to
learn with a little practice.
Open-ended
questions begin with what, why, how do, or
tell me.
-
These
questions get the other person to open up and
elaborate on the topic.
-
Asking
these kinds of questions gets the other person
involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what
they think or know.
-
These
questions are designed to encourage the other person
to talk.
-
They
are useful when the other person is silent, or
reluctant to elaborate.
-
They
are also useful in dealing with negative emotions
(such as anger or fear), since they help encourage
the other person to vent feelings.
Examples
of open-ended questions:
1.
“How do you feel about what she said?”
2.
“Tell me all about this new project.”
3.
“What do you think about the new offices?”
Summary
statements sum up what you hear the other person is
saying.
-
A
summary statement enhances the other person’s
self-esteem by showing that you were listening
carefully.
-
It
also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.
-
It
helps the other person clarify his or her own
thinking by hearing your summary.
-
Summary statements also help you deal with multiple
disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.
-
They
help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant
facts.
-
Summary statements also help you separate the
important issues from the trivial.
Examples
of summary statements:
-
“So
you’re saying you want to go to the library and the
bookstore before you decide which books you need.
Then you want to go over your choices with me.”
-
“You’re saying that you tried your best on this
homework assignment, but it was beyond your
control.”
Reflective
statements rephrase what you heard the person say and
reflect it back.
-
A
reflective statement is a way of demonstrating that
you were listening carefully.
-
It
shows the other person that you take them seriously
and want to understand what they are feeling.
-
It
helps you clarify whether you understand what the
other person is saying and feeling.
Examples
of reflective statements:
-
“You
feel sad because your mother has to leave so soon
after such a good visit.”
-
“You’re feeling upset because I was late again.”
-
“You
sound frustrated that you won’t be able to finish
the project on time.”
Neutral
questions and phrases get the other person to open up
and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.
-
These
questions are more focused than open-ended
questions.
-
They
help the other person understand what you are
interested in hearing more about.
-
They
further communication because they help you gain
more information.
-
When
you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to
the other person that you are interested and that
you are listening.
Examples
of neutral questions and phrases:
-
“Give
me some more reasons why we should buy the computer
now rather than in January.”
-
“Tell
me more about why you want to take this job.”
Try Your
Hand at Using Listening Skills
Here are
some common life situations where good listening skills
would come in handy. Read each one and think about which
of the four listening skills would help the most. Write
an example of what you could say to the other person to
validate his or her feelings and encourage further
expression of emotion. Check your answers with those on
the bottom of this newsletter.
-
Your
spouse returns from an important business trip. He
is very quiet. When you ask him how the trip went,
he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay.”
Which
listening skill would be effective in this situation?
What could
you say?
-
Your
coworker says, “I really wish I didn’t have to go to
that conference next week. I know I have to, but I
wish I could get out of it somehow. I don’t like
traveling, I hate being away from my family, and I
resent having to spend time kissing up to those
field people!
Which
listening skill would be effective in this situation?
What could
you say?
-
“I
wish I could just stay home and garden today,” your
spouse says.
Which
listening skill would be effective in this situation?
What could
you say?
-
You
are 20 minutes late to pick up your son for a soccer
game. There was no way you could let him know you
were going to be late. When you arrive, he opens the
car door and glares at you. He growls, “I thought
you’d be on time for once!
Which
listening skill would be effective in this situation?
What could
you say?
-
Your
business partner wants to stay in your present
office space, which you have outgrown. You want to
look for a bigger place. She says, “It makes me so
nervous to make such a big commitment! And what if
we don’t like it in the new place? I think we should
just stay where we are."
Which
listening skill would be effective in this situation?
What could
you say?
Suggested
Answers to Listening Skills Exercise
Lots of
different listening skills would be effective in each of
the five situations. Here are some suggested
answers:
-
Open-ended question: “Why don’t you tell me about
it?”
-
Reflective statement: “You sound frustrated and
upset about having to go to the conference.”
-
Reflective statement: “You really love gardening
because it’s so relaxing.”
-
Reflective statement: “You are really upset with me
for being late, aren’t you?”
-
Summary statement: “You’re afraid that we’ll be in
over our heads and will think it’s a mistake.”
Suggested
Reading
Burley-Allen, Madelyn, Listening: The Forgotten Skill
(2nd edition). New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons, 1995.
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