29 Ways to Keep Your Relationship
Tuned Up
By Nancy Baker-Brown, MS, LPC, BCETS
Why do some relationships last forever and others fall
apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner
feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship
from becoming a casualty.
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Treat your partner as you would your boss, best
friend, or best customer.
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Think about what your partner wants and give it to
him or her.
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Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be
thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted
to win your partner over.
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Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get
into shape.
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Express your thoughts carefully. Being married
doesn’t give anyone permission to let it all hang
out.
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Spend regular time together alone.
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Look for ways to compliment your partner.
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Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good
and it makes people feel loved.
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Learn and practice communication skills. Relating
successfully to another person requires a set of
skills that can be learned.
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Be polite. Just because you are married doesn’t mean
you can forget your manners.
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When you want something, say please.
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When your partner does something for you, say thank
you.
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When your partner comes home after a day at work,
greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how her day
went.
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When your partner leaves for work in the morning,
say goodbye and “I love you” or “Have a good day.”
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When your partner faces a challenge at work during
the day, ask how it went when you get home.
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During your evening meal together, avoid the
temptation to watch television or read the paper or
mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.
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If you want to make plans that affect how your
partner will be spending time, check with him first
and make sure it’s convenient.
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When you ask your partner a question, make eye
contact and listen to the answer.
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When you disagree with something your partner says,
pay attention to your response. Do you express your
opinion without putting her down? You can express
your opinion assertively rather than aggressively.
For example, you can say, “I have another opinion. I
think we should wait until spring to have the walls
painted,” rather than, “That’s silly! We should wait
until spring.”
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Pay attention to how much of your side of the
conversation is asking questions versus making
statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask
more questions.
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Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner
to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like
this:
a.
Tell me about...
b.
What do you think of...
c.
What was it like when...
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Have you become passive with your partner because
that’s the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time,
this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin
to build up feelings of resentment because you are
stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If
you think you are choosing passive behavior too
often, think about discussing it with your partner
and asking him to help you be more assertive.
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Researchers have found that people whose marriages
last the longest have learned to separate from their
families of origin (their own parents and siblings)
and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value
and honor their own privacy and separateness as a
couple. This means they have regular, appropriate
contact with their extended family, but that it is
not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?
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Check your communication with your partner and
beware of using “You” messages. These are statements
that begin with you. For example:
You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.
You shouldn’t do that.
You should call me from the office and tell me when
you’ll be home.
Here is what you ought to do.
You” messages are damaging because they make the other
person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are
talking down to him or her.
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If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you
respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with “I”
messages instead. When you start your statement with
“I,” you are taking responsibility for the
statement. It is less blameful and less negative
than the “you” message.
You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the
behavior + Effect on you. This is how an “I” message
sounds: When I heard that you’d planned a weekend up
north, I was confused about why you hadn’t asked me
first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It
takes some practice and you have to stop and think about
what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to
be handled with care.
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Make a list of your partner’s positive qualities.
Share them with him and tell her why you think each
is true.
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Ask your partner to do the same for you.
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Respect each other’s private space. Over time, many
couples let this slide.
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As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like
they are living in the same house, but have parallel
lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is
the trend in your relationship and what do you want
to do about it?
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